It's reliable. I read it on the internet.

Meeting mum and nan at Mac Square by 10am was what I set my alarm clock for last night. Seems that Coffee Club coffee is still serving the same quality of coffee they were last time I checked.

I spent some time with the family just walking around David Jones, asking if the massive signs that read 30% off all underwear meant 30% off all underwear. I found my official Davenport Australia Day wife beaters in Big W, and we settled down for a short lunch before melting in the extreme heat that wasn't the internal ice factory air-conditioning that was the Square.

Later, I found shelter in mum's kitchen preparing my tomato pasta dinner. Which doesn't seem more important than long time since-we-were-born, next-door-neighbour buddy Brendan proposing to his now fiancee Morgan. But it never-the-less appeared first in the paragraph. Congratulations guys. You need to talk to Vibrant.

Much later in the day, Mount Annan played host to my new year's evening. With an actual swim in Tuneil's pool. None of this i'm-too-self-conscious-about-my-weight crap to stop me.

Much later, after that, Louise misses her mouth when trying to eat a cup cake. The icing bounces off the cake, ricochets off her forehead and lands neatly on the grass below.

Louise's Brendan did not enjoy The Brady Bunch Movie after the 4-minutes-less-than-last-year's fireworks. I was fairly tired.

Fruit of the Moment: Strawberry Springs

Hang on, sorry. I'm just eating some chocolate.

I had a craving. And that craving was for Ratatouille. The pixar movie. And not ONE of my many hard-drives had it stored in the depths of their souls. Which, is a crying shame, as I had a craving.

Luckily, Aneesa solved this craving by getting me out of the house and down to the Wollongong CBD. Here we shopped for animal print clothes, grew concerned at inflatable-pool-chairs-in-pizza-boxes, and took our coffees at Lee and Me.

I also bought Ratatouille from Big W, (which I might add) had told myself I would do back when it first came out. I originally found the outlandish $34 dvd prices back in 2007; outlandish. So I told myself I'd eventually buy it when the price dropped. Then I had that year of not buying anything, then I was unemployed. It's all relative. Shut up.

Later, I told the flies inside Leila's kitchen what-not by hanging evil plastic devices of death everywhere for them to play with. Such joy in the mutilation of those annoying little buggers.

Fruit of the Moment: Onion Rings

by the end of your dreams

After entering a competition designed for women over a modest breakfast, I began facing the music. And the music played "you-better-get-working-on-that-portfolio-for-job-applications"*

After spending hours on the new document, with two less pages and a few additions to the commercial projects, I got me a new bundle of hope to apply with.

In other news, I applied to work at Apple today. Lets see them knock me back there via email in 3 weeks time. I'll keep 'yall posted.

Strangely, the highlight of the day was an episode of QI about cockney slang. I lead an exciting life, says I.

Fruit of the Moment: Beach Weather

*Now available on iTunes

SANTA, IM COMING FOR YOU

Okay, so while i'm being disinterested in the soft porn horror movie The Human Centipede, I thought i'd update you with my day.

Legend of The Guardians was the first movie to watch.

Followed by Knight and Day.

Then came Repo Men.

Next was Robin Hood.

And Rocket Science.

With Exit through the Gift Shop

I'd say Knight and Day was surprisingly the funnest film of the marathon. While Guardians was definitely the most breathtaking. Don't anyone watch Human Centipede, a vial graphic movie with bad acting and no plot and disturbing content. Exit was, i'd say the best film.

Styx and I just hung out all day. He was really happy with his tuna this evening. Lucky I Googled if cats could drink milk, Leila had left so much of it in the fridge that I thought Styx might like a bit before I threw it out. By the way, cats can't drink cow's milk. They are lactose intolerant. Fact.

Also, good thing I heard the bins being taken out, so thats handled as well. This house sitting business is hard stuff.

Fruit of the Moment: Vegetarian Sprinkles

It just burns, it's nice.

A tornado of cleaning, tidying and washing spread a devastating trail of happiness through the house I am sitting for the summer. No real scrubbing was involved. But a lack of food I found. So, I gallantly lead a solo expedition to the local Woolworths for supplies.

The Scooby Gang were assembling for some beach fun. However the weather decided to force us into watching Anchorman and Tomorrow When The War Began when a cold snap shook our bones into crying.

This guy was being a snobbish critical bitch during the latter movie. I've taught him well.

Later, I was confused out of my brain when everyone started switching phones and posting on other people's facebook walls. A big thank you to Pammy who straightened it out for me over a phone call from an apparently unbearable 40th birthday celebration... ladedadeda...

Fruit of the Moment: Boxing Day Car Parks

always rushing to be on schedule

Completely bummed out from the sugar hangover, my morning was a little headachey. Good to see the weather was on my side. From cold winds to sweltering heat to fierce winds- I know someone up there had enjoyed a bit too much egg nog last night.

So I pack up my bag of tricks and head out of town. Eight bags of strings and things and my little blue car was calmly working it's way down to Wollongong. Calmly as in doing a little bit under the speed limit, enraging the other drivers when they couldn't pass.

Styx was elated to see me. And we celebrated that night with Dr Who's Christmas Carol. Bravo Moffat! Bravo! Dreamy Dreamy Matt Smith shall indeed be dreamt about this evening.

Fruit of the Moment: 45-day-old-ice-cream

big girl rings

When a Muslim strokes a Buddha to celebrate a Christian holiday, you know the true spirit of Christmas is alive and well. Even when starving children in Africa are, according to older generations in the family, rich enough to look after themselves.

Mum put on a breakfast of sweets and treats and cheese and crackers and such. And for the first time in our family history, we did not have volovants nor did we open presents inside the living room. It was new, and different, and lacking in tradition somewhat. But we are in tradition transition and soon, everything will be different.

Louise hosted the luncheon after I jotted around to the Kruyer's house for a pre-xmas-luncheon-visit. Louise put on a marvellous day. And made me a marvellous Catan quilt.

Later, I slept and grew merry on egg nog. Mostly the nog part. Soon, everything will be different.

Fruit of the Moment: Shirtless Rob

MADE OF IRON

Christmas Eve is a day for cooking. For preparing foods. For working in the kitchen. For making grub. For composing cuisine. And so on. Also, for visiting the coolest person I know while waiting for the bread to rise.

I cooked pretty much from the time I woke up until around 6:30pm when I dished up. And the day was so involved only because of everything being made from scratch. I chose the theme of humbly simple for the three course meal and I think I nailed it, if not everyone's taste.

The pre dinner cheese board included ash brie, red square and New Zealand blue. And a few glasses of egg nog to liven things up.

The entrée was a tomato-less ratatouille, served with oven baked baby roma tomatoes on the side and a crispy onion & goats cheese garnish. Severed with a loaf of herbed bread, which also was made from scratch.

The main meal was a double mushroom pie with thick butter flake pastry and vegetable stock gravy. Served with a helping of boiled green beans.

Finally after a short movie interlude of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, which had interrupted A Very Specky Christmas, we brought out the dessert.

A Christmas Pudding Ice-Cream Bomb with brandied caramel sauce layers and custard butter cream. Which turned out richer than I had imagined. I thought when everything got mixed together, it looked really runny and I feared it wouldn't set in time. But the 12 hours It waited in the freezer did it well.

Shame that through all the preparation and labour and hard work, the magic of Christmas Eve sort of dispersed when my Nana was picked up. And given that the conversation fell pretty much flat on all rounds, and that Dad complained to no end about there not being any meat, and Louise being sick from lunch, and that I was up and down every three shakes of the hand... it wasn't the evening of positivity that it should have been.

I guess i'm in for a lot of this in 2011. As I have painted the town beige with my lack of enthusiasm recently, I'm sure that bitch Karma will be seeing to that anything positive coming my way will be repaid in kind.

Fruit of the Moment: gingerbread house

A park somewhere; in Minto

This isn't fun anymore. Like this. All this. And by all this I mean my failures. They just keep piling on top of each other, and this duck's back absorbs water like a sponge.

I managed to scrape through the day. There was laundry to keep me pre-occupied along with christmas presents to wrap in pretentious wrapping paper. Also, I once again showed the road to Wollongong how to successfully fall asleep at the wheel while driving without inducing death.

I met up with a friend for dinner at my favourite restaurant Lorenzo's Diner. We apparently scraped in to the last day of their 2010 calendar. Lucky thing too, I haven't graced their doors this year for dinner, so it was a surprise that I was also treated to the meal.

Later, I couldn't keep myself away from the toilet having drunk about 4 flasks of their table water at dinner. I feel I could have sunk a ship with the amount of peeing going on.

Fruit of the Moment: brian's comfort candy

Managing Casual Teachers Who Are Experiencing Difficulties With Their Teaching Performance

This guy was both stupid enough to leave his phone in my car and not be awake when he said he would be. As he neglected to be awake, the only thing preventing my death from a small dog with serious intimacy issues was a seriously thin pane of glass.*

Given my lack of sleep, it was easy to snooze my way through a 2 hour car trip up to the Blue Mountains with my mum, her sister and my mum's sister's mum (who is also my mum's mum) to visit my mum's sister's mum's brother Rob, whose last name isn't Patterson but boasts more attractiveness anyhew.

My mission to track down an old boss' mobile phone number this evening through proxy failed, so we all forgot our troubles with a big bowl of fake roasted meat. Which turned out to be a major mistake, as are most fake meats.

Fruit of the Moment: Malted New Zealand

*Apologies to Ros who had to answer the door in her pyjamas.

These "twitter" things they do on TV

After this guy nearly hit a car on a short trip to acquire rolls, I got up to speed with the Jones. Who are very hard to keep up with intellectually it seems. By which, I mean they're pretty smart.

Today Angus (not Clarence) invited me round for picnic, movies, and pizza, which turned out to be brutal as we made a picnic detour in Park Central, pre Mondos visit. And by brutal, I mean awesome. Ruby and Aneesa both turned up fashionably late, both enjoying our time with The Russian.

After educating everyone in the ways of the 1980's cult flick Clue, I enjoyed an old-persons-nap during Shaun Of The Dead.

Later, we picked up Scott Pilgrim, I Love You Man, and Fight Club at the video store. Father Jones made it clear that the Christmas spirit was alive and well, in the form of pizza. And most everyone it seemed had never tried egg nog. Most preferring to drink Mountain Dew, despite its urinal colouring. We only had time to watch I Love You Man.

I now have Sean's phone as it fell out of his pocket and into my car due to his legs being too skinny. We shall later go fishing. By which I mean, we won't.

Fruit of the Moment: Cookies and bubble-wrap!

You're the only gay thing that doesn't suck

Jolted awake by rose tea infused with vanilla, I jot around preparing a trip down to Wollongong. Shortly after, the wind strong enough to send my Yarris off to Oz, I was headed towards a day of Photoshop tuition.

Glen's new hobby in kite surfing has encouraged him to enter a t-shirt designing competition. So today, we delved into the complicated world of Photoshop Elements. Complicated because the reduced features and limitations complicate the learning process.

Needless to say, he astutely picked up the basics and independently realised his design digitally.

Later, I found that Trade Secret was selling the underwear I designed all the way back in April. The had finally been sold, realised and were proudly on sale at the front of the store. It was amazing. Especially since I had previously thought that they had all been rejected by the buyers. I bought three pairs with a handy GAZAL discount.

Fruit of the Moment: Punishment Pasta

You'd be hard pressed to find a lesbian who likes John Laws

Sometimes, you really only need one good day to restore your faith in the future. Today was such a day.

I was chauffeured around the greater Sydney region today. Down to Wollongong, up to the Blue Mountains, across to Campbelltown. Basically I was backseat mambo.

Special thanks go to Brendan, Morgan, Justin, Tuneil, Noah, Brendan, Louise, this guy, Aneesa, Emma, Leila and Glen who all turned up at Lee & Me for a birthday brunch of awesomeness. Good times, noodle salad and a whole stack of buttermilk hotcakes. Monopolising the entire downstairs foyer, we ate up a storm.

Afterwards at the shopping complex up the road, Sean and I established that the surf shop stocked neither of our sizes in board shorts. Fucking pretentious 30inch waisted men. We celebrated our lack of spending money by eating lemon meringue tart.

Then, as if my day couldn't get any better, Leila and Glen took me upto the Blue Mountains to see Greg and Pam for Christmas. Mostly to give Pam the panorama we've all put together.

As always with Greg and Pam, there was dinner. A sneaking suspicion tells me that they catered exclusively for me. Post amazing cheese board, we indulged in a (Greek?) variant on ratatouille. Which was beyond amazing. Leila didn't much care for it, but the dessert of chocolate mouse really won her over I suspect.

To pass the time on the way home after several rounds of Bananagrams, we declared our love for the Northern Road in turns. Our love was declared in sarcasm.

Fruit of the Moment: Bakara

... should i refrigerate the money then?

It's not often that I see or spend time with my grandmother. So last night I suggested we go out, just the two of us for a breakfast or a coffee or something to eat. We ended up at the Campbelltown Art Gallery. Which turned out to be so good that we also had breakfast dessert, which is just like regular dessert but at breakfast time.

Later, we picked up a speaker system for mum at Dick Smith Electronics and moseyed around Campbelltown Mall before having what Donut King called an "ice coffee" but what I called ice-cream in a cup.

When we got home, we prepared for the party that evening by making sure the food was cut and ready for serving. Then the guests started to arrive. It was one of those parties where everyone had partners. Everyone had their husband or their boyfriend with them.

Parties often make me feel anxious about not having a partner. It's like there's another thing in your life you're not good at on display for all the other people who have managed to get it together and perform in the couples olympics.

Not having much Christmas spirit, I disengaged with most of the event, preferring to spar with this guy over a gingerbread tardis and cryptic sentences that made several obscure pop culture references but made little sense.

Even after everyone had gone home, I managed to clean up most of the garbage, wash up and attend to my blog wile the four remaining party animals loudly drank their remaining cups away.

Fruit of the Moment: Sweet Potato Fries

There's something in his ear

A bathroom scrubbed and a few tables errected, I head into Macarthur Square for some coffee with Tuneil, her sisters and one very awesome five year old supporting a loose tooth. We had coffee. I spilt mine on my shirt. I rule.

Later, I am buying an array of bathroom cleaning products and three muffins for me, mum and Nanny Tess as I anticipated her arrival for the Christmas holidays. However, instead of arriving home to an afternoon tea, I arrive home to an empty cake holder to wash up. Indeed it had been that Maureen, mum and Nanna had eaten the last of my birthday cake. And I am left with three muffins.

So after resolving that next year I could make a birthday cake I would have more than one slice of, I go out to buy 5 chickens, and 2 tins of sliced pineapple with Dad.

I check up on how Pammy Kay and this guy are doing since they no longer are having the world's most awesome Friday night ever. Apparently, they both are doing homework. They are so cool.

Louise having canceled this evening's surprise birthday party yesterday morning as I was not worth spending money on, came over. And we talked about what was wrong and why things are not okay at the moment. Things must have improved, as I felt my appetite return* after a sit down. And we played Bananagrams.

Fruit of the Moment: 150 bags

*No really, I felt so duck feathers** all day

**by that I mean 'down' ***

***joke © Sean O'Gorman 2010

I come from Canadian

For the first time in my whole life, my sister told me that I wasn't part of her real family.

Truly dejected, I escape to both Devil and TRON: Legacy with a side of The Great American Trailer Park Musical. By myself. I also randomly park next to Tuneil's car in Newtown. She is not in the car.

Fruit of the Moment: Garrett Hedlund

this guy fell asleep on me

This morning, I was hard pressed to think of anything except that $1400 piece of machinery I was an "ungrateful little shit" over. So, I started researching the interwebz for solutions on how to return the unreturnable note pad.

It came down to being engraved. Had it not been engraved, the return would have been simpler and smoother. My first caller advised that the only way I can return an engraved iPad, is if I buy another iPad of equal or higher value to replace it.

The second caller advised that I could return the engraved iPad, replacing it with a lesser valued iPad and then returning that one at a later date. This plan turned to when-sales-go-bad faster than a tap-dancing hummingbird eats a lemon. Apparently, the "helpful" Chin had lied about this, just in order for me to buy another iPad. A call to his supervisor helped with the cancelation of the 2nd iPad I had bought under false pretences.

A final call to Catrina apparently made some kind of this-customer-wont-go-away-until-we-refund-him statement. And all was settled. Well, financially that is. I feel this is not an easily forgotten statement of mine, regardless if I refuse to accept money in its place or not. Which is shit, in essence. Because emotionally, it is a richer situation.

We had the end of year Seussical rehearsal tonight. No one ate a single banana muffin I had made. Not one. Someone took three of them home. And I ended up eating two. But apart from that, bupkis.

Fruit of the Moment: Code I-Think-We're-Good-Guys-Now

Transaction Failed - Insufficient funds

Things may be glossy and peachy somewhere else in the world, but not this corner of the kingdom. Not around me turning 27.

I got so many phone calls today. Nanny Tess, Brendan, Dad, Justin, Marion, Tuneil, Noah, Leila and Glen all called me to wish me a happy birthday. Facebook and SMS world were also plentiful.

My day really was no different from yesterday, or the day before.

Did it matter that mum had bought me my first mango of the season yesterday? I wasn't too invested in eating one for breakfast this morning. And I waited 2 hours before eating. Likewise, I didn't feel much like eating come lunchtime. Nor did eating serve me well this evening.

I had debated that it was strange to bake your own birthday cake. Like, anything anyone else did wasn't good enough. However, I managed somehow to be cutting up spongecake and spreading lemon toffee come the afternoon. Milk was a bad choice.

I also made my own dinner. Like, anything anyone else could do wasn't good enough. I'd like to appreciate the fortunate situation that has smiled upon me in the original plan of chicken and salad. Millions of people go days, weeks even without food. But my fortune, class and diet tell me otherwise. It sometimes feels too much to be catered for as a vegetarian.

These uphill battles I set myself are exhausting, expecting to keep finding rewards at the end. Really, I'm just being difficult or moody or angry or self important or pig headed.

For instance, my parents bought me an iPad for my birthday. Thats over one thousand dollars* of investment in a useless device. For an unemployed scum of the earth sponger like myself, I think I hardly deserve such a pointless luxury. There are so many things I need before this pointless gift. Things that I don't want to be handed to me by my parents on my birthday. Things I need to acquire by earning them. Louise is getting it instead as I stupidly opened it in panic.

I'm completely surrounded by darkened clouds in a boarded up room, jobless, homeless and alone. Meanwhile my parents spend a ridiculous amount of money with nothing but good intentions and well meanings on me. Now, the room is filled with guilt and anxiousness. Guilt for the pointlessness with which my parents spent money. Anxiousness for the copious amounts of things they could have spent it on, or I could have spent it on. And here I am, black hearted and unappreciative. Frustration.

I am Ugly. And Selfish. And Not Worth Your Time.

Fruit of the Moment: Those things Brendan made for me

*by my calculations at the online apple store $1,400

This is my funeral t-shirt

And today's Mundane Hard Working Achievement Of The Hour Award goes to Kenney Ogilvie for not only cleaning his parent's 2nd bathroom, but having the foresight to use sugar soap on the glass and mirrors first to remove grime and scum before getting out the Windex.

Later, I watched Easy A as a means to bask in the glory of my trophy. And it's an impressive dive into teen sarcasm and word play with nostalgic throw backs to the high school teen films of the 1980's. Not to mention shirtless Penn Badgley to sweeten the deal.

Tonight, Seussical rehearsals had us moving around to the opening number once more. Although since it got fast and energetic, the singing was (as always at the beginning of such things) a gigantic effort that left me huffing and sweating. One of the 16 year old smokers in the cast was beside himself, coughing and spluttering all night.

Fruit of the Moment: Betty Crocker's Ready Made Frosting Tub

You've had enough Mondos

This morning, the troupes were on the move by the time I emerged from my tent. I had secured the chairs the night before so that no frost became of them. As a result, everyone was without a seat for 30 minutes. But soon enough everyone was busy packing away their gear and in talks of heading away.

Being ushered out of the park, as it were, I take Louise and head to the nearby town of Taralga where we find the Lion's Sunday markets.

A dust cloud or two later, we arrive back in the heat; the actual hotness of Campbelltown. And i'm busy washing the dirt and grime off my poor Beybalu. He was sparkling and new by the time we had arranged a picnic dinner with Tuneil and Noah. Other Scooby Gang members such as Justin, this guy and Aneesa were invited. But Justin was at the end of a long weekend, this guy was doing homework*, and Aneesa was working in lay-by.

We had good times and noodle salad in Park Central. Later, Noah kicked Uncle Brendan in the balls** and refused to listen to me when I was scolding him: demanding an apology on behalf of the incapacitated Uncle Brendan. Tuneil, with a mere flicker of an eyelash, had her son appreciating the situation on a scale larger than himself.

Fruit of the Moment: red-eyed-buldging-flies

*when you are working on homework for the 2nd last day of the school year, you deserve a $20,000 University grant. Just sayin'

** HARD

Will my camera melt?

This morning, as I waited for the sun to creep over the tall trees lining my tent to thaw the bitter cold from the previous night, I read more from Stephen King's Cell.

When I finally emerge thanks to heat, my first encounter was a teenager muttering to himself in gibberish, walking in a circle outside my tent. This freaked the shit outa me. Mostly because 'Cell' was about teenage zombies that mutter to themselves and walk around in circles. It took a few moments to register reality. Thankfully, he wasn't a zombie. He was a mentally retarded kid on holiday with his folks for the weekend. His name was Brendan and he talked to anyone who came within a 20m radius of him. Including myself.

Louise, Brendan and special guest star Chris arrived around midday like I had predicted over a breakfast of blueberry muffins and we promptly struggled with the second larger tent they bought with them.

Such days of worriless relaxation I have not seen in a long time. As we read and talked and Catan-ed and made french toast, I felt like things were once again possible.

Bear Grylls, aka Chris made not only a makeshift fridge in the river, but a roaring fire* to cook our tins of spaghetti. And with a Bananagrams game under our belt, Louise and I were fire dancing to the songs of Glee; much to the amusement (or bemusement) of Brendan, I felt.

Fruit of the Moment: Bedazzled Jumpers

*Brendan, also made the fire

Hang on, I just have to tell the dogs to stay outside

I wake up real early, maybe it's 5am? I don't know. In anycase, i've slept for an unusually long amount of time. First, I'm angry that I didn't pack for camping last night. Then I remember why I went to bed.

Feeling cheated out of this week's gossip girl, and in a better mood to start the day with, I give the go ahead with the episode and enjoy the awesome gossip girl goodness.

Ultimately, I am awaiting mum getting out of bed. Unresolved arguments have become second-hand nature to us now. Which is unfortunate. I feel that since returning from America, my grasp on standing up for myself has slid back into old patterns of letting small things insidiously wrap their way around my patience until it snaps like an exploding balloon in a Michael Bay film. The point is, i'm letting issues I have with my parents, among others, slide when I shouldn't.

As predicted, mum wakes up before I leave but we barely say two sentences to each other. I would have left much earlier had I of done my washing last night, but sleep it seemed, won me over earlier that anticipated.

Not really knowing who was turning up this weekend for sure, I head across country to Wombeyan Caves. To my knowledge, Glen and Leila were arriving this afternoon, while Louise and Brendan were joining us tomorrow. My phone reception ran out at around 3pm, and since no-one is here, I guess for some reason or other Glen and Leila were deterred. My clue to their absence was a single voice message I received from Glen earlier having doubts about joining.

I arrived to a deserted camping grounds. Ghostly really. It took a few hours before anyone started to arrive and even then, they were all headed to the opposite side of the park. So I get my chair, once the tent was erected and start devouring Stephen King's 'Cell'.

When it got cold, I relocated to my sleeping bag. When it got too dark, I wished I had bought a candle.

It is a bitter cold and restless night.

Fruit of the Moment: Veggie Pastie

You're not going to tell anyone about that weird black woman are you?

When you get a call from Casual Direct and they ask if you would LIKE to work at a specific school, you know something is up. Usually, they just ask if you are free to work and then place you. But this morning, I was asked if I would like to work at Sarah Redfern Primary on year 6. Not seeing this as much as a problem, I kept calm and carried on.

It was excellent to therefore, have my confidence tested when executive after executive kept wishing me luck with the day. One even when as far as telling me I wouldn't be able to handle it and promptly rearranged my schedule to take a kindergarten class instead.

Not that I'm complaining. I just scored the world's easiest casual day ever. Kindergarten team teaching with 50% of kids away. Yes please.

After work, I managed to travel around Campbelltown on various errands.

Which wore me out something fierce.

I was looking forward to watching Gossip Girl, but a serious row about what I wanted for my birthday* with mum left me in a foul mood. So I watched The Event instead.

And went promptly to bed at 7:40pm for a nap, or what observers would later call a 10 hour rest session. Apologies for everyone who sent me a txt last night.

Fruit of the Moment: Vanilla Malt

*This is why I didn't want anything for my birthday. My ideas are always too complicated or poor in timing or too expensive. If I want complicated, expensive or difficult and you're not prepared, able or in the financial position to do that, then I don't want a substitute. The gesture is insulting.

work was so shifty!!

I realised as I crashed into the wall this morning that doing nothing all day really takes it toll on you. Of course, it helps cement the metaphor when you literally are hitting a wall with your body.

I am not too sure how this whole holiday season is going to pan out. Mostly because things are really not worth celebrating. Regardless, December plods along.

In taking mum into town for shopping, the day went quicker than usual. Also, having rehearsals for Seussical helped. Heathcote Rd being closed, didn't help however. Especially since I had to drive halfway into the city to turn back.

I once again did practically nothing. But i'm getting to know all the people doing nothing. So it makes time pass in a good way.

Fruit of the Moment: Vanilla Yo Yo

I like a fresh Kenney to lean on

Work keeps me going.

Today, I had work. Pointless, no brainer work. And it put my spirits higher than they have been for a few days now. Which is super awesome. And so is everything. And soon, I will get paid in moneys.

Had coffee with the girls* this afternoon. No matter how many times we go to Coffee Club, I never seem to recall how awful their food is. The coffee this afternoon was surprisingly decent.

Dad and I put up the rope lighting for next weekend's Christmas shindig. And the silver tinsel. It was nice weather to do it in.

I tried to test the waters on going to Lorenzo's for dinner on my birthday next week. Its shit that it just wont work. Dad and/or Louise just wouldn't make it there from the city. Also, they have to work the next day.

Not to worry, it's not like I wanted anything special or anything. I'm not really deserving of accolade anyway at the moment. Not when compared to this chap.

Fruit of the Moment: guessing potato when it's clearly wrong

* I count Justin and Noah to be honorary girls in this instance.

accentuate the ranga

I woke up at what felt like 11am, but was really 7am. And today, like the many weeks before it was a desert wasteland of TV watching, resume submitting and tea making.

I'm a few episodes into a really bland TV series called The Event. It's possibly the most mediocre show on television at the moment. But it makes for making my day more interesting.

Seussical rehearsals were also redundant*. We learnt 'Biggest Blame Fool', a song which my character stands silently embarrassed by everyone laughing at him. So I got to watch everyone learn the 5 part harmony and then, go home.

I managed to however post a whole bundle of thingos... letters. AND returned a library book. AND I managed to avoid a car crash when Jen gave me an early mark to go home.

Fruit of the Moment: frypan cake

*for me

Aboriginal for lightning

I felt so heavy today. Like my brained weighed a lot more than it already did and everything was really dizzy. In the positive, I got to sit down a lot. After a fair few cups of water and a few episodes from season 6 of Weeds, I strode confidently down the beach front for an hour with Glen and Leila.

I'm fearing that people are starting to get sick of me and my latest "I'm so depressed cos I'm broke, unemployed and boyfriend-less" routine. I mean, I listen to myself 24/7 and I'm out of tomatoes to throw. It's a whole other floor of depression that I've descended.

Amongst the rock pools, fish eggs and crabs on the beach front, Glen assured me that I needed not worry about him getting sick of hearing it. Which was good to hear. It's simultaneously awesome and frustrating that the people around me are so supportive. Mostly because they can't really do anything for me besides listen to me whine.

Bottom line, I don't want to start 2011 on the fires of 2010. Id rather be standing on ashes by then.

I drove the 4 hours back home, which was shorter this time around, even after stopping for petrol.

Fruit of the Moment: Buttermilk Pancakes stolen from Angus & Robertson

A Dead Leaper's Underpants

Glen is rocking back and my fork to mouth project FAILED and i'm hungry and my hickups are back. Wait trying food again

Success!

like this on facebook

Leila got more and we are waiting for more stuff.

I wanted a redskin awhen Gen wanted one.

But she gave my lickorice and glen's face is hot.

I couldn't look away and then I DID its so important that I did. I'm rice. I'm spelling free WRONG.

FREE

thats so funny Kenney fails at alllllllllll things.

Its so funny and I make noises.

Don't take the book....

hen

I'm CALM now.

So Im swirling the cookie in my mouth 50% straterGy it was so good and my head it warm.

I can feel the texture in my mouth of the cooooookie!

Glen samed/

shaved/

SAVED me from my finger in my ear. Im rewarding ME with a cooookie..

nom nom nom

everyones the same as noone.

No it isn't thats not true.

Gen does not know about religeous neibourhoods.

The meaning of life is 42nd street.

time can move and be still.

Genevieve ruined it but she didn't stop time.

The people inside the cookie as I am eating it... insane insanity

Glen is doing the signal dance.

There was five minutes of straight chip eating and Then five more minutes of gay chip eating

Scientific discovery.

peer reviewed

padietry

and feet-lower feet no tickleish

Fruit of the Moment: We were eating uncooked potatoe chips

Jeffrey Snarkbutter

I don't know were I was going when I woke up, but I knew it was near a beach and it was a house of some kind.

So after watching 2 episodes of The Walking Dead with some interjections from mother talking about the brain and how it works, I thought it was best to get going.

Four hours of driving later, I find Batemans Bay and Genevieve waiting at the door to stroke my shaved head for the first time. Gen, Leila and Glen were to share a weekend away with me at the beach-house.

For pasta supplies, Gen preferred Coles over Woolworths, which was fine before I discovered their lack of sticky date caramel cookies. Gen assured me that the suburb being what it was, I was not to expect too much from even chain stores.

When Leila and Glen arrived later due to an impromptu kite-surf on Glen's behalf, we all enjoyed the pasta. And given the state of everyone 2 hours later, I was sent as the only sober member out for the snacks Gen and I had neglected to acquire earlier.

The dire need of liquorice, coke, lemonade, chocolate, and strawberry sundae life savers was momentarily put on hold when everything was closed down the street. I replaced most of it with dominos pizza, although found a helping hand from the blasé counter bitch when he told me the location of the service station up the road.

Ice-cream and liquorice in hand, I drove the wrong way down main street to pick up the pizza as passers by called me by my apparent new alias: roper stomper.

Everyone was really happy I was back, as I was told they missed me while I was out. This seemed more important somehow than the food I brought back; which everyone ate with pleasure.

Fruit of the Moment: Glum Pie

patoodie?

Bless my soul. I really love that rock and roll.

I got myself a day of teaching at Justin and Tuneil's school. Which was great for my bank account. But golly gosh, was it a trial and a half. The kids, while not difficult at all were just so childish. The day was more than a little frustrating with kids crying over not being able to tie up their own shoe laces. Really. And these are 9 year olds. Not a kid stayed still for 30 seconds the entire day. It was a little too much really. Not that it wasn't a walk in the park as a casual day, just so god dam tedious with their relentless refusal to act as a class unit.

Highlight of the day is when in the staffroom I told Justin I had something to tell him.*

The lights dim film noir style, he lowers his voice, and Jerry Bruckheimer's it up with a cloak and dagger "is it okay to talk about here?" response. There was even an OTT dramatic score on top of a tracked zoom shot and everything! Or maybe that was the movie in my head.

No more on that. Tonight was christmas tree night. Dad and I put up the tree and there it stays. We haven't put a single decoration on any branch. But it's standing tall and straight. Good enough for me to continue with the abundance of television i've acquired.

Fruit of the Moment: watch battery

*which for the purposes of suspense will remain a MacGuffin

go.photograph an emo. Orgy

Today I failed at another attempt of controlled eating. I thought I could hold off on eating excessively and it turns out I can't for now. Every time I try this, I seem to fail in even more miserable ways. In anycase, I feel a job is the best way to set me back on routine again.

This is why I applied for the deputy dean of creative arts today at Wollongong University. Which, while ambitious is not a stretch for someone with my background to eventually end up as. Currently, I am certainly not prepared to undertake such a task alone, so the dual position was an encouraging factor in my application. A Generation Y applicant may yet prove fascinating to the employment officer.

I found a whole bunch of television shows I hadn't caught up on and as a result have a fair few more to spend the remainder of my week on. Unfortunately, this means the internet is now capped, however only for one day before a new cycle starts on Friday.

Louise came over tonight to watch The Silence of the Lambs. She didn't really like it.

Fruit of the Moment: Almond Marzipan

Can't leave the room

I drove around in my tiny blue girly car today, posting and shopping and hurrying home to introduce mum to Scott Pilgrim.

I had a pretty slow moving day. Apart from season 2 of Glee and episode 10 of Gossip Girl's forth season, not much was done. And from this, I have learned that the characters in Glee often stand alone outside a room looking in when it would be dramatic for them to be observing the events. Only this mostly comes off as creepy and stalkerish.

I had a long conversation with mum which didn't end in an argument. Which was refreshing. But it was mostly because we were talking about other people rather than our own lives. I imagined the people we were talking about were standing at the window, unnoticed in the rain. And to them I say stop being creepy and go back to work.

My thoughts are on Tuneil, Justin and Glen and the mountains of reports they are currently swamped by. Along with Sean who seams to be able to express just how equally stressed out students are at this time of year as well.

Fruit of the Moment: Not having children

now I feel a little ashamed

I found 18 jobs to apply for today. I got through 8 and deleted 4 by the end of the day. I deleted 4 due to them ultimately being highly unsuited to my skills but having "graphic" in the title. And I did this all at my sister's house while waiting for chairs to be picked up.

I was anxious today about someone not replying to a message I sent them. It bugged me that I had bugged them, which is annoying and completely immature of me. I also ignored a post on facebook by Friday's child (loving and giving? Pu-lease) he's not making this easy on himself.

Plus, I watched the second half of Glee's first season. Stupid and bubblegum, it was perfect for a getaway.

I was late for tonight's fourth Seussical rehearsal. But just in time to learn my opening number. Which was taught at a noticeably slower pace than the CD. Along with a syncopated backing piano score, it was extremely difficult to sing the timing I already knew.

My hair is already furry.

Fruit of the Moment: Reheated Toast

Question: Would that be detected by breathalisers if I were driving today?

Brendan Curtain just turned 21. It's a stated fact.

Today, I got to share some time with the new born after I completely shut down shop from 10-2 by passing out on the floor, and then, later a bed. I slept through Aneesa dropping off a dress and through a thousand flies attacking my face.

The very fine layer of hair sprouting over my scalp is acting like velcro. I was so cold this morning, I needed a beanie. But the beanie wouldn't slide on. It just stuck to whatever part of my head it was pressed against. Took some effort to get on and off, I can tell you.

I finally grew acquainted with Super Meat Boy. And it made me comfortable in my decision to be a vegetarian.

I failed miserably at making Brendan a chocolate cake, but succeeded in refining my volcano-eque exploding cake mixture. Louise's oven is to blame I say. Yes. That's my story and i'm sticking to it, like the burnt mixture currently attached to the heating element.

Tonight we had 2 games of bowling. I was on team TUEN/LOU/NOAH/KENNE... My first game brought me my personal best in bowling. A juicy score of 110. It was super fun to game with Noah who ended up throwing the ball onto the lane, rather than rolling it down a track.

Dinner was served at this Italian place i've only been to once before, at Mac Sqaure, and it was pretty darn awful. The pizza was drenched in oil and the basil pesto "Pasta of the Day" must have been made from a bitter batch of basil because it was so bad. Lucky there was so much food available elsewhere.

I have climbed back into the normal car in order to drive into the new week after my recent trip on the S.S.Insane.

Fruit of the Moment: Gigantic Entree

That's commitment

Stil feeling anxious, I tried watching Scott Pilgrim to take the edge off.

Not really working, I didn't feel calm enough to leave the house for Brendan's 21st. Although I had time to prepare myself to do so. And this helped enormously.

I did the Cyanide and Happiness for a comic themed party. The result of which I have a very cold head now. I mean, seriously freezing. I feel the need to invest in a beanie. Also, I had make up smeared across my eyes which made me look both crazy and like Uncle Fester.

Brendan's 21st had fun plastered all over it. And by plastered I mean drinking. And by drinking I mean driving my parents home at 2am. And by driving home at 2am I mean cleaning up after the party.

Highlights included iPhone stalking, impromptu Pillowman performance, chillin' with the captains & Tuneil and Howcansheslap?

Fruit of the Moment: What do you want?

Good to get out of your comfort zone

Dropping my mother off at Mac Square train station, I walked the length of the shopping centre three times in search of some really delicious looking muffins. With muffins in hand and a coffee to wake me from my state of bland awakeness, I could face a day of cleaning out my old room.

I open every door and window, turn on all the fans and open all the blinds in preparation for today's scorcher at Louise's. I begin by editing together the remains of Brendan's 21st video, after having my iPod speaker station explode on me.

From then on, I tore apart the fabrics of my old room. Papers, pens, pictures and pirates... all going into 13 new Woolies bags or the bin. I attacked my closet and drawers. I found a bunch of stuff other peeps would love and at one point actually find time to deliver some items. Which was fun. But the room if far from packed away.

Now, so far the day has been swell. Not amazing, but I was happy. I felt safe. And no one was jumping out of bushes giving me the heebie-jeebies. This all changed tonight when I drove into the city to meet up with a guy I met online for coffee.

To start with, he had me on edge when calling me this afternoon to request I park in his street as "we'll end up at mine anyway". This was clearly not the original plan.

When I get to the city, late thanks to a gridlocked M5, he's with 2 other mates at a pub of some sort. Which is okay-ish, but threw me a little. So they smoke and carry on until 2 more people turn up, and then 2 more people turn up and then two people ring other people complaining they weren't there and suddenly theres a whole gang of people I don't know.

Then the guy doesn't really talk to me. Which was kinda the point of meeting up I thought. Also, there was no coffee.

Then I start to get anxious as we move on. Before I knew it we were in some kind of nightclub with obscenely loud music and dark confined spaces. I can't hear anyone speak and am now getting anxious to the point of not being able to pretend i'm not.

Then, I was trapped. It was panic beyond actually feeling panicked. By the time we left the nightclub and walked for 30 minutes to a high rise club with a "restaurant" on the roof I was loosing my shit on the inside and could do nothing about it.

Of course other people ordered the "table" (a bench with a small ottoman next to it) a whole lot of food. Which all had meat. But I really didn't mind. I felt so out of control, I didn't want to eat or drink or breath. I was scared. And then I started feeling anxious about being so irrationally frightened. Which multiplied everything by 2.

Eventually, I freak out one of the girls by not taking a glass of water she's forcing into my hand. The guy I was meeting originally makes some bullshit excuse that he has to leave and takes me with him.

We're out on the street and I'm cold and hungry, but with no intentions of eating. He offers to take me to this great cafe he knows to have a sit down and calm down. And I can't pin point when he changed his mind but we end up walking all the way back to Newtown to my car.

And the walk had done me well, but I'm still really anxious about the whole night.

In trying to drive home, I am so worked up I need to stop. So I call Justin, who is thankfully home to visit for a breather. And here's the killer. He asked if this stuff happens all the time.

And it does.

Fruit of the Moment: In a coconut

And we all know how gay your iPod is

Everybody celebrate, for today I found casual employment with a multistage class at Ruse. They have "enjoyed" a casual teacher all week, seeing as though their attractive usual teacher has been suffering from a smite-you-down virus. So, plus points for job. Negative points for not seeing attractive usual teacher (here by known as AUT). The class was quite unsettled due to the lack of regularity, but I soon had then working no sweat.

School was okay. I didn't get a duty. Which was nice. Nicer would have been to talk to AUT.

This evening, Tuneil, her sisters and Noah all treated me to a Mondos dinner, followed by a walk in the park. Noah has so much energy.

Later, I got my Glee on with an auto tune iPhone app Louise had bought before we then went to see a movie about giant vaginas gorging on human brains. It was called SKYLINE. The acting was unforgivable.

Today, I enjoyed having NEWSIES stuck in my head all day. Newsies is a Musical written in the 1980's by Alan Menken, directed and choreographed by High School Musical's Kenny Ortega, and starring Christian Bale. I'd say it doesn't get more epic than that.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Fruit of the Moment: double cookie showdown

Yes, i'm not

Third rehearsal for Seussical had me standing around doing jack all night save for a few odds and ends in the opening choreography. Interesting to note that I still had a good time. There seems to be a wide age range in the show and the tiny tots are coping really well. I feel very positive about the production.

Stuff that rocked my world today:

The pop in faceboook chat was replaced by the ba-ling chime from the N64 ZELDA pause menu.

Gwaine and Merlin enjoying an all too obvious bromance in season 3 of MERLIN.

Tanya's steamed vegetables.

Stuff that did not rock my world:

Charlie St Cloud

Fruit of the Moment: Caesar Egg

slight romantic interests

Leila wakes me up via text message at early hour not to be mentioned here. Then she wakes Mum up when she calls the house phone after lunch. And its sharp, shrill siren song pierces the empty house and reverberates off the cold stone floors like a dump tuck exploding in a hailstorm.

Pretty soon after, i'm agitated by the call and the lack of conversation. So i'm taking it out on my mother by being moody and precious when she fetches an extension chord I say I don't want. Pretty soon we're raising voices and i'm running around cleaning up the house. We have a blue. And the same arguments we always stand for, stand up. And I'm done. So we go out for coffee. And just like that we are different people who really can't live together anymore but love each other just the same.

Later, having a rare night with Dad, Mum and I all under one roof for the evening, we eat salad at the table like some Leave It To Beaver tribute.

Fruit of the Moment: Caramel Banana Cheesecake

They never hired me. Took it as a compliment.

Louise woke me this morning. Via mobile. I feel a trend of family members in a bidding war to keep me from rest. I place bets on Mum tomorrow being the lucky recipient of Mr Grump.

So, heres the thing. I applied for ten whole jobs today. It was a whole lotta jobs. Also, I finished work on a panorama for Leila.

Amongst the job selection was a position at the ABC, which sounded pretty awesome.

I guess I was so motivated to plod forward today after having read the most amazing play last night before bed. John Logan wrote the 2010 Tony award winning Best Play 'RED'. And I read it. Now I want to do it. So I applied to the NEWTOWN THEATRE while watching Stanley Kubrick's THE SHINING.

RED takes the idea of Art; its process and its labour and lays the artist's soul bare for the audience to scrutinise. His actions, his motivations, his faults and his accomplishments. And through it all, you see beauty in simplicity and consideration. Such a powerful read.

This evening was the second rehearsal for Seussical. It was pretty much an extension of rehearsal one, but we actually completed work on OH THE THINGS YOU CAN THINK. I suck real hard at all the difficult harmonies. But I feel I have around 30% of the song down.

We were dismissed early again, and I wondered why I drove in for an 80 minute rehearsal.

Fruit of the Moment: Gingerbread drops.

That better not be your blog title

Woken by a lawnmower, drumming against my useless skull, I contemplate what i'm not going to eat today.

The contents of my stomach currently would be:

Three cookies

4 slices of pizza

and a scoop of gelato

I don't know whats gotten me so lull in non-hungriness at the moment, but I'm sure it has something to do with my unemployment - which my mother was so helpful in pointing out a mere 20 minutes after her arrival home from the cruise.

I don't want to be unemployed. And I don't want a job I hate. So, I really detest the suggestion that I really should be teaching instead of trying out this graphic design thing. Because a) I was breathing underwater in a classroom and b) everyone I know that hates their job won't leave it to pursue something better.

I feel past my use by date. Just like the soy milk I rescued from almost extinction, I'm turning sour. And I still cant find my christmas cake recipe. I need to loose weight again. And for that I need a physiotherapist, a weekly salary, my own apartment and more self control.

Fruit of the Moment: The Russian

we kinda..kissed..And stuff.

I slipped into, say, 4 hours of sleep before alertly waking myself at 8am.

Which was kinda funny given that I had nothing to do today besides bum around.

I tried cleaning the study, merely managing to turf a whole load of equipment I never use.

I had me some skype chat with Marion and Justin.

I put together some artwork for the 2010 christmas card list.

But what I found surreal was the lack of eating accomplished today. I got through a shit load of photoshopping without much a second glance at the fridge. Also, I was in dire need for a nap come 4pm.

I tried calling people today to see if they wanted to play, but mostly I got answering machines.

Fruit of the Moment: Pear and Vanilla

Totes devo

"Is this painful for you?" asks Genevieve 10 minutes into tonight's performance of Urinetown at the ANU Arts Centre in Canberra...

Today I was to drive to our nations capital, catch up with Avatar Alex from Buck's Rock, and see Urinetown with sworn enemy of the musical genre; Genevieve Tait.

First off, I woke up real late. About midday. And I was supposed to leave at 1pm. So there was panicking, ironing and shaving before I raced to the petrol station 20 minutes late. From there, the 263km to Avatar Alex's house was a breeze.

Basically what followed was a dating-Kenney-Ogilvie experience, only we were not on a date, and one of us wasn't gay.

We had coffee and dinner at Milk and Honey which is located at this district called "The Civic". Which is, I was assured by Alex, the place to be on a Friday evening. And followed dinner with more coffee at a cafe across the street. And followed after dinner coffee and cake with a trip to the theatre. This entire experience involved me drinking copious amounts of cafe water, the result of which was not surprisingly, logical. Especially when the subject matter of tonight's performance involved urination. I visited the men's room approximately seven times from the time I left Milk and Honey.

Meeting Gen at the theatre, I was a little hesitant about the performance given her distaste in musicals. Unfortunately, within 30 seconds of Officer Lockstock opening his mouth, I dismissed the entire show as sub-bland, without a sent of humour the script undulates. The timing was appalling, the characterisations were ordinary and the subtle undertones of Brecht were completely dismissed. What I can say is the orchestra were amazing. Not creative or impulsive with any of the music, but beautifully correct. Which is more than I can say for some Sydney based musical theatre. Also, the chorus harmonies were good. Not as good as some other Urinetowns I have seen, but above average none the less. Caldwell was the best performance by far (pictured above with Hope).

Genevieve's review of the evening was "What did you expect for a show in Canberra?".

Disappointed by the underwhelming performance, I drove the three hours home to Sydney.

Fruit of the Moment: Truckstop coffees

Thats what you get for buying an ice-cream truck

It was with no sleep that I drove my father to the station this morning, only to be woken upon my return, a mere 3 hours later by Leila checking in on the panorama progress.

I was very grumpy at this. And it took me 10 minutes to wake up, and 10 minutes to fix food for breakfast. Then I was less grumpy and able to talk. But I was still sleepy.

The panorama I am doing for Leila is taking up an exuberant amount of time. The file, which is generally larger than 1 gigabyte takes a lot of juice away from my computer. Each modification chews up some hard drive space and makes the computer run slower. So it took a considerable amount of rendering time to get it to where it currently is. And even then, I've had to remake the image three times when the files wont open due to massive file sizes. It needs more work. I shall finnish it soon.

Tonight, I left the panorama behind for a trip into the city with Louise to see Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part One... Gosh. So darn awesome. Harry gets his kit off in several British country side locations and almost every actor spanning across the franchise makes at least a small cameo. I loved it very very very much; and not because Harry takes his kit off all the time. Well, maybe.

Fruit of the Moment: Vegetable pesto pasta thingy

I think that's Horton's line

Today I designed. And waited in line for Centrelink's paycheque. Well, by waited in line I really mean 'lodged over the internet' but petato/petarto.

Above is an image I did for this chap. He's got a great sense of humour including the cheeky use of the Disneyland-eqsue font for the PIRATE title as a nod to Caribbean.

I also did some work on a cheerleading logo, which I shall endeavour to complete tomorrow.

Tonight was the first Seussical The Musical rehearsal. I was uber excited. Needless to say, I went straight into I-wouldn't-do-that-as-a-director critique mode in the first five minutes of the read through. When I realised what I was doing, I backed off and gave that snobbish behaviour of mine a speaking to. It should not be a problem. As a director, it's so difficult trying to deal with actors who want to oppose what you think is best. I feel I owe it to any director's artistic integrity to seldom disagree with their direction unless I strongly oppose it.

Until of course that time in say, 4 months time when the "traditional" small group of cast members start quietly bitching about how the whole thing's gone to the dogs. I shall endeavour not to join in on the negativity.

Fruit of the Moment: BP snack

Weren't you going out tonight?

Today I am a boring man.

I drank water and continued to eat like shit and watched Merlin season 2.

I should have done some work on logos and artwork or maybe even looked at finding work. I should have done those things, but it occurred to me that I ran out of motivation to do so like three weeks ago and have been merely pretending to care ever since.

Select highlights of my day include being interrupted in my tv watching by 30-40 minute telephone conversations with people I know. And I wouldn't say interrupted in a pissed off way, but in a legitimate all-I-did-besides-was-watch-tv way.

I have also decided to sever all communications with the Super Secret Project. I believe it is for the best. I'm still trying to decide if I should tell anyone involved or not, as it is a current goal of mine to act more like a 17-year-old*.

Fruit of the Moment: Scott Pilgrim's Hero's Journey

*which, shouldn't be too hard because i'm unemployed, broke and currently living with my parents.

in vietnam waiting to be executed

Today I feel shitty, like the rain and like the bathroom I scrubbed until it was as slippery as an eel in an oil well.

I awoke from a nightmare. A nightmare about hallucinating at the hands of an occupation I couldn't identity. I would think I was awake, but noticing small inconsistencies would awaken me to a confined room sealed in foam. A small tomb with big brother on its back, complete with sickening sexually perverted machines and the very vices I fear in each corner. In a raging panic, I tore my way through the foam and tape and wood and materials, only to find a hotel room where people I knew waited for me. Each time handing me excuses as to why I was now safe. It was a nightmare and it was not the first time I had endured it.

The day was slow, sluggish and filled with eating crap. I made myself sick and I lay down in pain not having full control over my own actions. I want balance and direction. I clearly have neither.

Fruit of the Moment: Gossip

He may have found God, let's hope he found deodorant

Ninety-eight-and-three-quarters percent guaranteed!

I remember feeling hopelessness this morning. I remember not having enough sleep and thought it would be easy just to skip my 10am Seussical audition, ditch big bands in the park with Brendan, and stay put in Wollongong (and more importantly, bed).

However, I drove into the city. I tossed and turned over three audition songs, deciding finally on the song I felt best about. My throat however, was a sore muthafuker after not warming it up properly. So I stopped in at the local petrol station and purchased 3L of bottled water.

Not such a great idea to consume before an audition, but whatever. I had a few toilet breaks.

The audition went poorly. Mostly due to the complicated timing in the song; and the pianist, (not having seen it before) had a little trouble playing it which in turn, made me stumble the words. Also the dance audition was a little full on. Also I was given all the wrong readings to practice and had to perform cold reads when everyone else had time to prepare. The audition hall was nightmareishly hot as well.

I then met up with Brendan and Morgan in a random North Sydney park. There, we all sat listening to Big Bands swing their awesomeness on centre stage and watching a crazy woman with a scarf dancing in the middle of a clearing to the more lively numbers such as zoot suit riot.

We went back to Brendan's with Ettia and Isaac post big band musics. I met their bunny and played Scattergories. Shame the 2 tubs of Ben and Jerry's ice-cream they bought on the way home had chocolate in them.

Soon, I get a text from Tanya implying my audition was successful. And in checking the website, I got me the lead role. Of Horton the Elephant. For Seussical the Musical. Boo fucking yeah.

Fruit of the Moment: crabby

Heard you can't climb or get it up

I've been having trouble resting, recently. Same goes for last night. I woke up tired but couldn't get back to sleep. And I was going to have breakfast at Lee and Me with Gen and Leila at around 11ish, so there was a long wait to eat.

But once there, it was a nice droll of a day. It was distracting in anycase from how upset I was yesterday and how not-willing I am in dealing with it today.

Gen is moving to Canberra. Did you know? I didn't.

We had a roving tour of woman's intimates in Wollongong, hoping to catch glimpses of work I had done while at GAZAL. We mostly found all my basic spot and stripe patterns. And mostly in Trade Secret.

What really got my goat was seeing work I had laboured months over cast away in favour of different designs. People wouldn't think a lot of design goes into a single garment, but when you think about it, everything from care labels to coat hangers are also talked about, designed, criticised, re-designed, cast away, and restarted several times. It was just frustrating to see how shit my work actually looked on the shelf when I knew it would look shit when made with shitty, cheap materials. Or worse, having it all replaced with hideous artwork. And it's frustrating because I tried to design with the end product in mind but was shot for it.

Tonight I started the West Wing with pizza. One disc down. Seven seasons to go.

Fruit of the Moment: petrol reneging

Extemporaneous Speaking

Lets begin here by contextualising how shit I feel about myself today. And it's pretty shit. More shit than usual in anycase.

Aside from my ordinary day of nothing, where nothing was accomplished, I sat and did nothing.

I felt tired all day. I felt dizzy and sweaty and drained of all energy.

Infact, when I miraculously arrived safely at Leila's house this afternoon to start some film work I was so exhausted that I sat down and cried.

When Leila came home I was talking on the phone so had ceased tears for 10 minutes. But she promptly left and I went promptly back to crying by myself. Glen found me in this state some 40 minutes later.

I just feel so inadequate as a person. Useless and ugly.

Also, I wrote a story about a turtle.

Fruit of the moment: Participle

Hocus Pocus

Today, I tasted celebrity* like the moist blueberry muffin it is. Working at local school Thomas Acres, I joined pals Justin and Tuneil at their posts. And quite literally. I took Justin's class for 2 hours of RFF during which we sat silently for a minute at the 11th hour.

I have no idea what Remembrance Day is about. All I know is since Kindergarten, I stand still for a minute at 11am on the 11th of November. And there's red flowers involved. Called Poppies.

In any case, this morning when Justin told me to go through what it was all about, I was like err... okay? And made a quick stop at Wikipedia to "thoroughly" research the topic. Then, it was easy to provide a generic overall feel of the ceremony, talking of war and treaties and poetry and symbolism. I feel, just like it went over my head at 11 years old, the same applied here.

I always feel like I never know anything, which is strange because so much of what I know is so unobtainable to others. I feel this way because I pretty much choose to stay ignorant of all current events and politics and fill up on cinema, design and cupcakes. Should I be different? Should I choose to ignore Pop culture and focus on what Julia Gillard is up to? I don't really feel I want to, but is that bad?

In anycase, I fumble through. Intellectually inferior to you all, save for a few minor details which are in some cases even trumped by my close friends. Just sayin'.

I had coffee with Tuneil and Justin after school today. I can't for the life of me remember when it was "just-us-girls" ya know? It was real good just us three (and Noah of course). Afterwards Justin put his blinkers on to race around for a pink shirt, given that tomorrow he was attending a breast cancer event. I was struggling on my own as Noah continued to push his way around me. It took a lot of talking to get an apology out of him after he punched me in the eyes while riding my shoulders. Just sayin'. It just tells me how much I'd screw up raising any child on my own. I'm too soft.

Tonight I visited me mate for his 17th. He got a Mac worth like a gagillion bagillion dollars off his parents. I'm pretty much jealous as all heck. Also, he was wearing tracksuit pants like five times too big for him. You know, the ones that dancers wear when they need to move around a lot? Yeah them. I also suspect they were ironed but didn't inquire (enquire? Whatever).

Fruit of the Moment: Front Loader Washing Powder

*Tuneil had made sure that everyone in the school knew who I was from head to toe. It was a welcoming I never expected.

i actually think everyone in grade is a blindless tawt

Thinking I had a Centrelink appointment at 10am, I wake up to an alarm at 9:30 only to leap to my diary and realise it is a 4pm appointment. Fark.

Well, that was that. I was up now. I managed to apply for two jobs. Which is great. Both were perfectly suited to me. Although one was a junior position, they were otherwise comfortable gloves.

Aside from entertaining metaphors, I watched the next episode of Gossip Girl! I also went shopping in the middle of the day and against better judgement bought a tub of mango sorbet which tasted healthy and foul.

At Centrelink, it may be my imagination running away with me but I really got the impression that my interviewer (who was checking that I was applying for jobs each week) was flirting with me. He was real nice and friendly and there was a slight twang to the way he asked "is there anything else you'd like to ask me?"at the conclusion of our interview. But you know, things being the way they were I wasn't really at liberty to ask where his favourite coffee place is.

I didn't really feel like going to the Super Secret project this evening either. I felt after last week's work It wasn't worth my time. But after a while, things picked up and I felt better for being there.

Clue number 5 is that I really should stop telling people about the Super Secret project because now, more that double the people from last week know what it is. Also, I can safely report that I do not choose to empathise with strangers.

Fruit of the Moment: Giant Burnt Cookie

google says yes

Today was one of those days where it would have been better to stay in bed. Halfway through not eating anything for breakfast and answering job applications by sending in wrong cover letters to wrong organisations, I stop.

Soon will mark the time that I began work at GAZAL last year. Soon this will mean I am an unemployed bum leaching off the government and all those around me. Soon I will give into boredom and make a bowl of buttercream frosting to eat by itself. Oh wait, that was today.

Yes, all those things and more can be yours for the one small payment of NOT HAVING ANYTHING TO DO OR LOOK FORWARD TO. So, you finish watching The Blind Side and cry a little bit at the ending. So, you make yourself a pizza for lunch and overcook it so the edges taste burnt because they are. So, Dad asks you to clean the bathroom.

Maureen and I went into the city this evening to watch the extended edition of AVATAR at Imax. It still bugged me that the logo's font was Papyrus. However, pointing this out launched an entirely satisfying conversation about the history of Helvetica.

When the M5 was once again, closed, I had to drive home via Beverly Hills. I almost fell asleep. I was that tired. I still am that tired. Goodnight 'yall.

Fruit of the Moment: Over-Scooped Apple Pie Gelato

James Millar is going to send a letter to Oprah telling her that she's not invited to a dinner party he is going to throw while she's here.

I woke up this morning with a strong sense of 'this is too early to be awake'. Mum confirmed this. I feel I had gotten a phone call waking me up, but I never picked up. I also feel I may have missed out on some work today, but my phone doesn't say I have a missed call. So I don't know. Moral of the story is to be awake for phone calls in the morning I guess.

So, I decided it was time to complete the artwork you now see above. Pity however that on completing the design, I was told that I had agreed to make it for free. Which is of corse scandalous! I have no time to be doing free work. The confusion came from me agreeing to work without payment until the company recognised the need for an external artist to design their media for them. A fair few impersonal emails later, it was clear I had upset the apple cart by not supplying the high resolution files tonight.

I started the project because I thought it was a challenge worthy of my tackling. The plan was simple. Make awesome artwork. Sell awesome artwork to people who didn't think they needed it. It was a challenge.

In anycase, this was not the case and now I have no case of money. Nuf said.

The window that opened for me in this situation was opened by fellow thespian Tommy Bradson commissioning a poster/flyer combo for his upcoming one man cabaret involving one legged sailors and mermaids. Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief meets RENT meets Mickey Mouse with a gun to his head. Sounds awesome.

Also, in missing a call this afternoon from a guy I'd been procrastinating on facebook all day with, I feel I had missed out on what the teenagers call 'the call of booty'. No matter, he seems like the chap who isn't short of people to call. I shall ask him what he caught tonight, tomorrow.

Fruit of the Moment: Granmanier

and you're gonna do my waxing for me :D

This morning, after a marathon text effort that cleared this kid out of all his phone credit, we laid plans out for this evenings entertainment of The Social Network at Dumaresq Street Cinema.

It was then that a facebook friend of mine posted a comment about the film, and I gave my two cents worth as a reply. Soon, another chap was also posting and before long I had made a new cyber pal on the social networking site, talking about the social network movie.

Even more surprising was how famous this chap turned out to be. An actor/writer/performer/whatever. Incredible. We talked of iced vovos and how ANZAC cookies are better. Then I made said anzac cookies. Then he went off to work on a comedy someone had commissioned him to write due to his new whimsical mood.

Then I spent the day on reworking that knife and cheese artwork for The Mousetrap. Above is my favourite of the day. Unfortunately, it just didn't appeal to the producer who'd like at least 5 people to buy tickets. After several more reworkings...

... (which looked like demented christmas cards) the producer asked for an old fashioned snow globe with a scary old mansion inside. This is now a task for tomorrow.

Okay so by this time, it was time to get outside of the house and inside of a theatre. So zooming past Ingleburn, we got to the theatre in time for me to watch the awesome film that awaited (and this time on a cinema screen).

Later, Louise and Tuneil met up with us at Mondos for fun times and Russian waiter ogling. Louise had said she was only getting one scoop of gelato. So I got one scoop. Then SHE got two scoops and I was upset that I only had one. Also, Sean wouldn't stop flattening his "frizzy" hair.

Fruit of the Moment: Overnight Teapot

Even monster trucks have these

You wake up early, having gone to bed in anticipation of a Leura day trip. But in the first 5 minutes of being awake, the anticipation is shot down and rained on by rain.

Mum and Maureen didn't want to take a trip to Leura (if there was rain) and the light downfall had them convinced it was a bad idea.

Louise quickly phoned up Tuneil and grumpy pants Noah to come down to cafe-of-the-season Lee and Me with us instead. And down we travelled for an amazing late breakfast. My long black came out as a double short black and so with the intensity of A THOUSAND SUNS, the breakfast was beyond awesome.

Louise's camera had ran out of batteries, so we were unable to take some happy snaps of the delicious morsels that delighted our table. But rest assured, we were so impressed that we wanted dessert as well. We walked off breakfast browsing the aisles of David Jones before surprising our breakfast waitress for round two.

I was supposed to see The Glass Menagerie in the city tonight, but when home time came from Louise's place I felt super tired and just down right unmotivated. Especially since I had seen a play last night. So I did the exceedingly boring grocery shopping and talked online.

Following a short call I made on Wednesday, I sent a follow up text to that Hunky Guy I met last week. In such text I requested some hanging out, but haven't gotten a reply yet. I'm not sure how much further I can proceed here. Suggestions are welcome for advice in treading lightly.

Fruit of the Moment: Vanilla Nervana

exile in the bathroom

Feeling cheated out of sleep by my 5:30am alarm, I drove back to Campbelltown from Wollongong, narrowly missing Dad as he drove out of the driveway on his way to work. Quickly getting ready, I had RFF to attend to at the local primary school.

What seriously sucks about casual teaching is being given an assignment like Relief from Face-to-Face teaching (where you have a new class every 40 minutes) but arriving and being told you have the IO (Intellectually Moderate) class instead. I mean, its really annoying. Especially when all your gear for that type of class is at home and you've brought a truck of RFF gear along. Same goes for being given Kindy on the day when you were originally told year 6 over the phone the night before. Also, RFF is my favourite type of casual day.

Oh well, the class was only a little bit shitty. And mainly because I had to do a whole day without stencils. Even then I wasn't fussed by the shittyness.

At one point I overheard one of the boys turn to his mate and loudly whisper "*lol* our teacher's gay!" And it was funny, because it was the only thing he got right all day. It was especially hilarious and ironic however, that he was using the word gay in its negative connotation and not in the context of "By gosh! I recognise that adult as being homosexual".

Tonight, I saw A Dream Play with the final year UOW acting students performing at the PACT theatre (which if blog buddies may remember, was the venue for Lovesong).

Now let me get this out of the way first. It was severely fucked up. Like I mean totally screwed and weird and nonsensical but AWESOME. Also, everyone stripped down to their skimpy black underwear. Thats like 12ish super fit final year acting uni students parading around in the nudie. Kinda cool. Afterwards however, I was told that in comparison the "partial nudity" was tame for a UOW production. Well, shit.

Fruit of the Moment: Tub-would-melt-on-the-way